Cut the Shit

My Friend “Subie” and my Dog “Pukie”

Well I’ve returned from my amazing Easter weekend in Albany. It was fantastic all around. It was so good, in fact, that it flew by faster than any visit I’ve had before it. I wasn’t the only one who was upset to leave. I had brought Tyler home with me too and he had the time of his life. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Tyler and I took the Metro-North home and for the most part it went smoothly. He refuses to stay in his SHERPA, so I had to take him out and let him sleep on my lap. Once he was doing that, he was ok. My dad picked us up from the train station and drove us home. Tyler recognized him immediately and jumped into his arms.

Man, we partied like the rock stars that we were raised to be. I drank about 38 vodka/redbulls, 26 glasses of wine, and 4 beers. I don’t like beer as much, OBVIOUSLY. I played so many card games and so much poker that I’m still seeing spades when I close my eyelids. The first night I won BIG. The second night I broke mostly even, but cheated on the last hand so I wouldn’t lose everything. You know how poker people get when it’s the last hand. “Let’s go all in even if we have nothing!” I prefer to walk away with some winnings so I can buy Tyler treats.

On Friday night, I met up with my friend Subie. I hadn’t seen her since I graduated high school. My, how things have changed. She’s got a wonderful husband and a 3 year old babycakes. And to top that, she’s 2 years younger than me! She has also lost about a gajillion pounds from her high school weight and looks fanfuckingtastic! She was dressed to the nines and had her hair all done up and gorge. I was really nervous to see her since we were intense friends for about a year in high school, but we separated ways, kind of less than amicably.

But times have changed and when Subie walked through the front door of my house, I knew it would all be great again. We talked so much shop – memories of the past, current situations in our life, and on top of all of this, I got a chance to meet some of her close friends out at the bar we went to. Sue is so fucking funny and she had me rolling on the floor. We played darts and smoked bowls (see picture above that will attest to that) and I, honestly, had such a great time that I didn’t want the night to end. I’m muchly looking forward to my next trip to Albany. But next time, we’re having her 3 year old drive us to the bar so that we can stay out late and really party it up!

My mom went overboard, as usual, and created Easter baskets for all of us – Tyler included! I came home with 8 new DVD’s, a shit load of candy, and a new marijuana pipe. Thanks to mom and also to Jesus. Cuz you know, he did die on the cross for our sins and all.

Now the only bad part of the visit…on the train ride home, Tyler was pissed off that I made him stay in his Sherpa. I did let him out for a little bit, but overall, I forced his little head inside the bag. When I got to Grand Central, my subway line wasn’t running, so I had to take a cab. Although it was easy to grab one, I had to walk a mile through the subway system to exit the station. Tyler bounced around inside of his Sherpa and he cried the whole time. When we finally got into the cab, Tyler had had enough. He yelped and whined, until I opened up a little slot in the bag and stuck my hand in to pet him.

Tyler took this as an opportunity to try and escape from the bag. He stuck his head through the tiny slot and literally pulled the skin and fur away from his face, revealing white eyes and a puppy skull, in an effort to break free. I shoved his head with all my might back into the bag. Then he started to retch. We were still 30 blocks from my apartment and I could tell he was going to puke all over the place. As the new (and naïve) father that I am, I tried my best to hold his mouth shut so that if he puked, maybe he’d swallow it back down. No such luck. He spewed all over the inside of the bag.

And then he started to cry incessantly.

First of all, I’ve got an incredibly weak stomach, so I started to gag when I looked in the Sherpa and saw his adorable puppy face covered in vomit. I pulled a pair of boxers out of my own bag and started to mop it up. But I couldn’t get it all and Tyler was still trying to escape from the bag.

10 blocks to go.

I decided just to leave Tyler the way he was and I would clean him up the minute I got to my apartment. But he wasn’t having it. He started to bark so loudly and the cab driver was getting irritated. I told him “No bark” and “Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”, but to no avail. BARK BARK BARK BARK! And then he started to gnaw through the bag. In my haste and total lack of judgment, I let my impatience and embarrassment get the best of me. As he was gnawing through the bag, I flicked him in the nose.

(insert hours of me berating myself for that)

At first he stopped barking all together. I’ve never – ever - EVER hurt him in any way and I think he was stunned. But after the stun wore off, he SCREAMED! I’ve never heard a scream like that come out of a dog. And the screaming would not abate. My face got beat red and I thought I was going to lose it myself.

We finally pulled up in front of my apartment building. I threw the cab driver some cash and ran to my apartment. Paul greeted us with a huge smile and I said “Tyler is going crazy and I flicked him in the nose!” Paul said “Why would you DO that?” and tears filled my eyes. “Just LOOK at him!”, I said.

I opened up the Sherpa and out walked Tyler covered in puke. Paul gasped, then laughed, then gasped again. We immediately got Ty out of his shirt (I had dressed him up in his new clothes to show Paul – that obviously worked well) and we got him cleaned up.

Tyler slept for 12 hours straight after that ordeal, most of which was spent on my lap or curled up next to me in bed. He’s the best dog ever and I should NEVER have flicked his nose through the Sherpa. But I definitely got MY come-uppance for that.

So a great weekend ends kind of sourly, but it all worked out ok. Tyler was a huge hit at my house in Albany and he wouldn’t do anything unless I was there. My parents complimented me on how well I’ve trained him and they couldn’t get over how adorable he is. Then I flicked THEM in the nose as well.

Well that’s it for now. I’m off from work until Friday. GO GENTILE in a JEWISH OFFICE!

Peace!

And

Out!